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| Well, a study date with my new found drugged up "love" went horrid... actually to be honest, it didn't go at all. I went with a friend to the library and he was supposed to meet us over there at 8:30 so.... 9:30 rolls around and I call him only to get no answer.... Guess that was the sign I was looking for, huh? 
So I checked my facebook and he left a message apologizing and said that he was in the Johnson Center here at school and forgot about it....... Forgot my ass!!!  It doesn't really matter I mean you'd expect that from a druggy, right?  And why the hell can he be on drugs all the time and make great grades? Not fair - I make good grades, but Im not on drugs...... Well, anyway. I have to continue venting about last night. SOOOOoooo, at 9:45 after he didn't answer my call, I asked my "best" friend to call from her phone and act like she had the wrong number so that we could see if he was out partying or whatev... But OH NO, she didnt want to call him for me but she wouldnt just say no, lets dont. So she beat around the bush for forever and finally I was like what the fuck I mean its just a fuckin call, no big deal right? Just forget about it - I dont need you! Bitch!   But I didn't say all that, I just told her to forget it. Then she was like, No, I'll do it. I said whatever. And she said do you want me to call? I said It doesnt really matter what you do anymore! And then I wouldnt give her the number so she got mad and I got mad so then we didn't speak the rest of the night - well, until we had to because of homework questions. UGH | | |
| I met this guy in my stats class and I was immediately attracted to him. So, we've been hanging out, partying together and this is the first guy that I have ever liked THIS much. I think about him as soon as I wake up, all throughout the day, whenever I have nothing to do I am day dreaming about him, and before I go to bed, he is the last thing on my mind. I think of ways that I'll be able to see him again and things that we can talk about and do together. I don't want to have sex with him at all, so this is not lust at first sight or anything. He was even drunk and asked me to go sleep with him in his bed so I agreed and we both lay there and flirted around, but we didn't kiss or touch or have sex. I want to start a relationship with this guy!!!! But there is a problem....... he still likes his ex girlfriend who already has another boyfriend. See, they dated for three years and he REALLY cared about her. He's not one of those guys who just sleeps with everybody, he really cares about people. Well, the second problem is that because of this break up after 3 years, he has turned to alcohol, pot, and I think he does illicit drugs too.... He is in college and makes GREAT grades, but he's never sober except for like one day out of every one or two weeks..... So, what should I do?
Heather told me to just take it slow and be his friend until he can get over his ex. and if its meant to be it will work itself out. But should I do more, is there anyway that I can help him through this without just being his crutch? I want a relationship with him and I've never wanted a relationship with anyone! I haven't like a guy this much since I was twelve... lol. Throughout high school I rarely dated anybody and if I did, it didn't last for more than 2-4 months because they always got on my nerves and I didn't see the point in staying with someone that I didn't want to be with. But I want to be with Blake. If he asked me to marry him I would probably say yes.... OMG that's soooo crazy because I barely know him. I REALLY like him, but I want to fall in love with him. I want to let myself go and just finish the rest of my life in his arms, and he in mine. holy crap. I have never said that about anyone.
OMG does anybody have any advice for me???? | | |
| So, Im extremely bored and in a semi-bad mood.... basically for no reason. Im just sleepy and aggrevated and perturbed (I  that word). Anyway, just felt like writing because I have nothing better to do with my time. haha. I could be getting ready to go to a party but once again Im feeling a lil' depressed and not wanting to be anywhere but sitting here sulking like a fuckin' baby. So here I am.... I'd like to go get drunk, but Im not feeling that social. SO if Im holding anyone back all I can say is that I told you to go on your own with your friends and if you choose not to then thats you.
I don't need anyone other than myself and God, but I havent exactly gotten myself on His good side so that might take a while. 
I am so frickin stupid. I don't know what is wrong with me! Does anyone else have any idea as to what the hell is wrong with me? The psychiatrist has gone psycho!!!
I think I have a chemical embalance... not quite sure though.. I know it has to be something, or maybe I've just told myself that it has to be something when its really nothing and I just think its something. I dont know but I hate myself and wish that I could just change all of my appearance and how I think and I just hate EVERYTHING about myself! Im too fat, Im not as pretty as everyone else is, Im not as confident as everyone else is, Im not as fun or funny as everyone else is, Im not as social as everyone else is, Im not as fast as everyone else is, Im not as athletic or as good as anyone else is. I am just me and I hate that. My thighs are too big for my liking, my face is ugh, my arms are not muscular enough, my stomach could be smaller, my legs are too big! My hair isn't as pretty as everyone else who dyes theirs is, I can't get up in time to fix my hair because Im always so sleepy. WHY AM I HERE? I do NOT understand it all! What is my purpose in being here? What is my purpose in being on Earth? Why am I alive? There HAS TO be a reason in my being here! I don't understand what it is or what it could be! I am very good with helping others sort out there problems, I can analyze everything and give you pretty damn good meanings of why someone does something, but I can't do that with myself because I feel too much. Maybe thats my problem - I feel way too much. Everything! I HATE THIS. UGH.... I don't know whats going on. Some days I just wish that I could have the courage to drag the blade across my wrist and press down and watch the blood pour instead of just dragging it across my arms and viewing the scabs and scars later for rememberance.
I think the reason that I have yet to commit suicide is that I know I'll go to Hell and I don't want to go there any sooner than can be prevented. I know eventually I will die, but I hope that I can get back on track with God before then. Its just that everytime I try to start doing right temptation comes (which I know its supposed to but let me finish before you start thinking WELL DUH ok....) anyway, temptation comes little by little and with Gods help, I get through it and just when I think Im making it to the next level a brick lands on my head and Im knocked unconscious in sin for a while and then I realize what Im doing and I try to go back and with each brick knocking me in the head, I stray farther and farther away and with each stray its harder for me to come back. UGH. I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to pray but I feel so lost and scared and I dont know whats wrong with me. Sometimes I just wish I were naive and couldn't tell the difference between anything so that I would never know what was going on. I wish I could be reprogrammed or something. Maybe I should try hypnosis!!! haha. If I knew it would work, I'd definately go.
Well, thanks for listening... even though no one is listening or reading... so I guess Im just thanking myself... No, I am thanking the computer for letting me type out all my problems.. haha. G2G. Still here, Britt | | |
|  OMG!! So, I went to eat at Hooters for the first time EVER... Im not bisexual or Lesbian but I wanted to go so I did. lol. (Which is not the point of the story!) While I was in there BLAKE CALLED ME and said that he was going to be studying at the Library and to meet him around nine. So, I DID. We met and exchanged notes, then he got ADD and didn't want to study (lol, he was very fidgety) so we talked for a little while and then before he left to get some food, he said "We definately need to study this for real sometime." and then he said something that I didn't hear  so I said "Yeah, just let me know when." And he said "Ok, I'll give you a call sometime." So, of course, I WAS IN HEAVEN!!  
Then, I went to the bathroom and found a swollen lymphnode or a knot or something on my vagina. I am VERY scared!! I don't think its an STD or anything, but I do think that he's (dallas) rubbed something or hit something and it hurts now. I want to cry because it hurts pretty bad.
But I have to go now, Heather's friend bought us some alcohol and I am going to drink it and take a shower and go to sleep. Lots of Love,
 Britt | | |
| Ok.... another update. GRRRR. He did not answer his phone so I thought that he might be in the library with his phone on silent.... well, if he was I did not see him.... My friend Heather and I walked the damn library (All 5 floors plus the basement) looking for him but did not see him. My friend Heather does not know what he looks like so that didn't help.... And I possibly, VERY possibly could have looked over him... It makes me sad.. I didnt get to see me some Blake today... Anyway, I facebooked him and maybe we will ACTUALLY get together tomorrow or something.
AND, I am meeting Dallas tomorrow (the black guy that I slept with....). NO SEX.... I hope, I am VERY scared. Maybe we will just meet for dinner because I dont want to be alone with him. If we've already had sex once I KNOW he'll want it again and I probably will want to but right now I do NOT want to have sex anymore until I am completely committed to the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with..... And its not Dallas, SO.
Well, I have Fairy Tales homework (lol) hahaha. So, I'll have to get off here. thanks for listening all those who do not even know I exist and will never read this page. And for those of you who do, well, glad to know ur there (even though we've never met. )
God bless u all and to all a good night. | | |
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